"Can we get donuts?" they said. It was not a highly unreasonable request as there had just been a sleepover and it was a Saturday. Nevermind that the dog had diarrhea and I hadn't had coffee yet.
Despite the slick of actual sh*t on my hardwood floors, pile 'o poop on the off-white carpeting and my lack of fake energy, I was down with the donut sitch—it meant I didn't have to prepare any breakfast, which I always view as a win.
Donuts are kind of a luxury in these parts. I think of eating donuts as like eating cake...because they are cake...
And you probably shouldn't eat cake every day unless getting Type 2 diabetes is on your bucket list.
Also, I have no "off switch" so having donuts around is not the best move for me. If I have one donut, I will want two donuts and I don't like to start things that I can't finish, or that I know have the potential to end badly.
My remedy for this is simple: buy four donuts (two for each kid) every couple of months. They get their cake and I don't have to eat it, too.
You might say: live a little, eat the damn donut, Beth. To which I would say: trust me, it's better this way.
But this was a sleepover Saturday and these little girls had different ideas. Apparently the guests knew about boutique donut shops, endless donut varieties and donut websites.
They proceeded to make a list of donuts with names like: pumpkin, chocolate covered coffee roll, strawberry frosted with sprinkles and other kinds too complicated to recall. And then, I went full-on Connie Hickey (who is my mother) and said:
"You little girls are killing me right now. Your donut privilege is over the top. When I was little, if someone gave you a single donut of any brand, flavor or shape, it was right up there with getting new shoes, which was also a very big deal! Big! The only thing that could bring me down is if I bit into said donut and there was freaking jelly in it. Jelly! I mean who does that to a donut? Unconscionable! Anyway, when we went on vacation to the beach we got Krispy Kreme donuts on occasion and I thought I had arrived. And those donuts were just glazed!"
The girls looked at me like I was cray, which I am. Then, without missing a beat, they inquired about how many donuts each of them could have. They said three each. I said two each. I won.
Nobody needs three donuts at one time. Connie Hickey wouldn't allow such madness and: Neither. Will. I.